A Theorists Guide at Surviving Holiday Travel

Airports are exhausting and disgusting. If you disagree with me, you either only fly private (in which case hello, I’m trying to hang) or you’re wrong. For those of you who qualify as the later, stop glorifying the experience because you enjoy the magic of being thrust through the air into the clouds like a bird. I’m all for reveling in the wonder that is flight, but you’re living in a state of delusion if you think that you can remain levelheaded and sane during your travels. Many aspects of flying relate to some political theorist in some way, from showing up to check-in, to grabbing your luggage at baggage claim, because after all, flying takes skill/cunning/strategy and sometimes when your plans don’t pan out, it’s because of the way the state of nature of the airport is. I wish it were as simple as tying one theorist to flying but this is real life and there’s no perfect theorist that will get you through the nightmare that is flying. So remember, the ends justify the means unless those means get you in trouble with TSA and you never even reach the end because you’ve landed yourself on the no fly list. So listen to the rants of a disillusioned flyer:

Lets begin. Airports are the breeding ground for asbestos so touch as little as possible. Always check-in online before getting to the airport, why? Efficiency. That’s why. Follow Locke’s sage advice and lock your suitcase so that not just the airline is protecting your property, once you’re sure that your luggage won’t be open for anyone to just sift through, you can move on to ensuring safety. As you towards security don’t stand in a line behind any children, the elderly, or 40something women with her wrists covered in chunky bracelets. Although security is supposed to be about ensuring safety, as Hobbes would want, the real goal is to get in and out of security as quickly as possible.

Don’t be that person that tries to take a water bottle through; you know that’s more than the allowed 3.4 ounces. Do not hold up the line because you insist you are being violated by the X-ray machine and that this goes beyond any reasonable measure of security. This is not like questioning safety measures in NFL Rules: When is Football No Longer Football, You don’t have a reasonable argument. This is a disturbance to the flow of the line, just stand in the thing for three seconds because the alternative is much worse. No one wants to be patted down by a bitter, middle-aged woman with awkward, cold hands.

 

 

Worth it

Once you’ve navigated your way to your gate, grab a Diet Coke, some Twizzlers, a pack of gum, and a magazine and realize that these four items will cost you no less than $40. Sit back, attempt to steal wifi from some poor unsuspecting person who didn’t put a password on their personal hot spot and watch some Netflix because you have hours of waiting to do. Try to maintain a level head when delays caused by some obscure issue with the plane are announced.  Is it really flying if there aren’t delays? Once the flight is finally ready to board, awkwardly push your way through the aisle until you locate your seat just to see some stranger sitting in your window seat because she “gets nauseous in the middle seat.” Give your best side glare and calmly say “bummer lady, it’s called reserving in advance, technology, learn it and move on with your life and out of my window seat.” Ignore John Stuart Mill’s advice and put your interests ahead of others. After you’ve settled that fight, search for overhead space for your carry on bag and give up on ensuring your property and put your bag seven aisles back. Take your last sip of your $7 Diet Coke and pop some Melatonin. Once the flight takes off you’ve got nothing but discomfort and unreasonably powerful air conditioning to look forward to. Once again I urge you to ignore Mill’s advice and put your interests ahead of others and recline your chair as far as it goes, about 2-3 inches. No one wants to sit upright for long periods of time. There is no code or contract that limits you from enjoying the slight recline of your seat. While this may lead to a state of unrest and hostility between you and the person directly behind you, the chances that violence will ensue are rare (but still present). Do whatever it takes to get a second bag of pretzels. The ends really do justify the means in this case. I’ve been known to take the pretzels from the sleeping companion seated next to me. Or walk to the back of the plane and tell another flight attendant you opted not to have pretzels but you’ve changed your mind. Your wit is your greatest asset; don’t be afraid to use it.

The American Dream

After all, you spent hundreds of dollars to sit in a cramped little chair with strangers; the least the airline could do is throw you a second bag of free pretzels that cost what $0.02 to produce? The biggest test of your patience may be when you request a Diet Coke from the flight attendant and she responds, is Pepsi okay? Umm I don’t know, is charging $2 extra for guac at Chipotle okay? No, no it is not. Once your Melatonin sets in you should be good to go for the rest of the flight.

Patience is a virtue, it is just not a virtue that many people have. This can be evidenced by the rush to get off a plane once it has landed. Say goodbye to your personal wellbeing because you’re about to be pushed, shoved, and have a suitcase bump into your heel every ten seconds. Throw some elbows and make your way to the baggage claim.

Nope not that black one

After thinking you’ve spotted your suitcase several times, finally chase it around the carousel and attempt to lift the 47 pound bag yourself. As others see you struggling, don’t be blinded by pride and let someone help you grab your bag. This isn’t sexism or a blatant disregard for equality as explained in Equality and Excellence in Modern Meritocracy, this is your tiny little noodle arms not being able to pull your own weight. Once you realize you grabbed someone else’s bag, attempt to slyly put the bag back on the carousel without anyone noticing. Locate and grab your own bag and get out of the airport as quickly as possible because you’ve made it to your destination. Now all that’s left for you is a vat of wine to get you through the holidays with your family. If I seem cynical then you’ve accurately assessed my tone. But do you know who else was cynical? Machiavelli, and he got shit done.

How to survive your family